Tuesday, March 31, 2009


Thursday, March 26, 2009

#18: The Trolley

The Trolley: (Car)Pool Party!
-All vehicles are designed with complementary colors
-Luxury seating
-Maximum capacity: none
-Jolly Trolley: RIP
-360 degree cabin view
-Poles dispersed throughout: purpose unknown
-Post chapel boarding--more hectic than standing in line for Black Friday with your Mom
-West to East campus includes Annex tour
-Not included in Scraps Initiative
-Always on time?
-Easily forced conversations due to lack of evacuation capabilities
-Radio selection limited to AM 740 "KTRH: More stimulating talk radio." or 94.7 "KTWV: The Wave"
-Babe scoping
-Carry on any nutritious meal to make it "Fast Food"
-Horse power does not apply to the trolley. It's called Cougar Power, baby.
-APU is so private, they don't want you to even walk outside of the campus
-Quick paced walking in the direction of the departing trolley results in on board passenger amusement
-World's first non-rail rail car
-Highly varnished seating leads to SCC's (Sharp Corner Clinching)
-No student has ever been spotted in the "open air seating" on the back left outside of the trolleys
-Now equipped with security cameras, churro machines, Anti-Biola propaganda, and a pizza party
-It's like a giant car with no seat belts. Fun and safe!

#17: Campus Safety

Campus Safety: Bringin' the Heat Since 1899

-To serve and protect a smile
-Rigorous training required to obtain officer status
-Why be a student when you can keep your brethren secure?
-Top priorities of Campus Safety:
--Parking tickets
--All hands on deck for fire alarms
--Lock outs
--Driving the egg car around campus
--Keeping a crisp crease in their uniform
--Staying in top physical condition
-Disclaimer: Undercover officers lurk
-Intimidation is their main weapon
-Former officers include: Indiana Jones, Goliath, Stephen Lambert,
Luke Skywalker, Brice Meyers and Hugh Jackman
-59% of your spent Cougar Bucks fund the force
-"Who needs bullets? I have pepper in spray form."

Monday, March 23, 2009

#16: Being The Fastest Around Campus

Being The Fastest Around Campus: The Need for Speed
-Asserting one's place on the APU's totem pole via means of campus travel
-Burning calories and speed: two birds with one stone
-Longboarding regardless of weak equilibrium
-Methods may or may not include the following: walking, skateboarding, cycling, sprinting, wheel barrel races, soaps, chariots, moon shoes, razor scooters, rockets, Mario's cape feather, horseback, bed races
-Knowing all secret shortcuts on campus
-Knowing every crack en route to avoid gnar face grind ups.
-Regardless that the fine for J-Walking is $108.00 according to section 21955 of the vehicle code, it's quicker than crosswalks. Worth the risk
-Girls like fast men
-Only stop to chat if it's 911 worthy
-Means of travel lesser known:
-Call in a ride from campus safety
-Drive from East to West (see #6)
-Fake sick so you don't have to walk to class.
-Travel from the MODS to Marshburn utilizing The Skate Line

Friday, March 20, 2009

#15: Frozen Yogurt

Frozen Yogurt: A Very Cold Breakfast Item

-Is it liquid or a solid? Trick question: Neither!
-A "healthy" alternative to ice cream
-Fat Free, but it's totally phat and it's not free
-Invented in Siberia
-Yogurt establishment pride
-5 popularity points to those whose pictures hang in Tutti Frutti
-Used as currency by weight before Cougar Bucks
-Eat froyo and contribute to a charity!
-Supposedly found in the Caf
-21 Choices edible spoons: a dessert for a dessert
-Rumored to be the best excuse not to study
-The hottest way to cool down
-"Chill out, man"-Pizza
"I am, bro." -Froyo

Thursday, March 12, 2009

#14: Facial Hair

Facial Hair: Sweaters for Your Face

-Go green and grow
-Climate control for your face
-Instantly cool and cultured
-Winter warmth
-Troy Schemper's attempt annually in the month of March
-Prime real estate for Den burger left overs
-When the beard is gone, so is the magic
-Attractive to the lassies
-Given Biblical nicknames like Jesus or Moses
-Throw in plaid and be a lumberjack
-Conserve morning time
-Searching "mustache" in Google Images for facial goals
-Beard faux pas: the Neard. (The neck + beard)

#13: The Waving Booth

The Waving Booth: APU's First Impression

-Friendliness epicenter
-"High 5!"
-A major cause of traffic congestion due to "visitors"
-THE most wanted job
-Rumored to have full surround sound and a churro machine
-APUs only bomb shelter
-Room Capacity 1 (thousand!)
-Job Requirements: a single upper working appendage, a full set of teeth (preferably freshly whitened), and loads of homework to accomplish
-Bullet proof glass yet to be field tested
-The ultimate self-esteem boost
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